erika's kreation

{this moment}

I'm joining in on SouleMama's {this moment} as explained below--

{this moment} - A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see. Happy Friday, friends!

 

our selfless beauty

Today, this beautiful child of mine is six years old.

 

It's difficult to think of anything about this girl that I don't adore. She is the most thoughtful, generous, tender-hearted person I know. Everything about her is wrapped in layers of sweetness. She loves helping others, and if you want something she has, she will delightfully hand it over without a second thought. Her feelings are easily hurt when someone isn't kind to her, and she is determined to always make things right. She cherishes relationships more than anything else,

 
and she just doesn't understand why people are unkind. Oh, my sweet Cristiana.

It is this dear child who has taught me so much about what it means to be feminine and to have no shame. What's most comical about it all is that when she was born, I was determined to be gender neutral, not to favor pink, and I hated all things even remotely girly. But it was all of no use because her obsessions have always been the color pink, dresses and twirly skirts, and anything that sparkles.

 

And her appearance is very important to her. Girls like this used to intimidate me. And I thought they were shallow and vain. It's only internal beauty that matters I would always tell myself. But not anymore.

Cristiana has shown me that there was a part of me I buried, a part that was afraid and ashamed to display beauty. Although I will never have the same likes as she, I do love feminine and pretty things, and I do love to adorn myself and to get recognition for it. Which is why I love watching her meticulously choose her clothes, lay them out ever so carefully, slowly put them on, gently comb her long hair, adorn it with a pretty headband, and then run out and ask, "Daddy, how do I look?" Of course he always tells her she is beautiful, and she never expects to hear anything less nor tires of hearing it. She is beautiful, and she knows it and carries that beauty with much poise and confidence.

 

You will often find her looking at herself in the mirror, twirling, and prancing around the room as if she is all that matters.

 
Oh to be such an innocent little girl who isn't tarnished by the woes of this world!

And in all of this innocence and love for herself, it's only fitting this girl often lives in her own little world where nothing else matters but the characters she creates and the plots she invents. It's in this world of fantasy that she finds delight and comfort. And if you are willing, she will gladly invite you in, and you will certainly enjoy your adventures there. You might be a princess or a fairy, but you may also be a ferocious dinosaur or the frightened human who is running fearfully from her, or you may simply be a parent or a child. The opportunities are limitless because her mind is a field of creativity.

Which is why she not only loves acting and pretending (although I don't think she sees any of this as less than real), but she also loves working with her hands. She enjoys painting, drawing, writing, modeling with beeswax, and beadwork, but her latest love is embroidery.

 

I must say, she impresses me with her persistence and determination. She might set aside a project when she needs a break, but she will never give up. She is like this with most things. I remember when she was only ten months old, and every time I would sit her in the shopping cart, she insisted on fastening her own strap. Sometimes it would take her at least five minutes, which is a very long time for a ten month old, but she would never complain or get frustrated and would never stop what she was doing. She'd bring one side into the other repeatedly until she got it in there perfectly and heard the snap. Even more amazing is that she wasn't looking for me to recognize her, she did it all for herself.

It's these traits--kindness, compassion, tender-heartedness, a love for beauty, self-confidence, ingenuity, creativity, patience, persistence and determination--that form my darling daughter,

 
these characteristics that inspire such awe and wonder within me because I realize she is not an extension of me. She is and always has been her own person. And I, her mother, get to partake in the unraveling of this glorious life.

 

Thank You, Cristiana. I love you so dearly. And I hope all your dreams and desires for this day come true! If they don't in reality, I am sure they will in fantasy. <wink>

Happy Birthday, Cristiana!

{this moment}

I'm joining in on SouleMama's {this moment} as explained below--

{this moment} - A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see. Happy Friday, friends!

 

two journals, hope, and a meaningful life

Last night I decided I am long overdue for a new blog design. The original was a bit too dark for my taste, but I couldn't easily part with the photo because it included sentimental journals from when I began writing back when I was a very young girl. I was finally able to let go once I decided to replace it with a photo of more current journals, those for two of my daughters, my firstborn and my last who will soon be here. Oh there's so much I want to write about these two special girls of mine, but I have that planned for an upcoming entry. Until then, let me just say they have taught me much about darkness and light, fear and security, doubt and faith, and oh so much love.

And if I had to describe these two girls in just a few words, I would say full of life. Hence, my design that screams Spring in the climax of winter. Oh I know the Equinox is still more than a month away, but everything about these girls and my current world centers around birth, new life, restoration, and new beginnings. And call me discontent, but I am more than happy to leave Winter behind. I am over the barren trees and the cold weather. I want to see things blooming! I want to see leaves and flowers! I want to see more life! We had sixty-five degree sunny weather yesterday, and I couldn't help but wear capris and a tee, desperately wishing the warmth would stay. Of course it was gone by evening, but a girl can hope, can't she? 

But of course. And I will leave you with just that. Hope. For a better today and tomorrow. Hope for the Spring and all it holds for us. And I don't mean that doubtful, uncertain kind of wishful thinking we often mistake for hope. No, that is not hope. Hope is to desire things and to expect to receive those desires with absolute confidence, to trust they will certainly come to pass, essentially to have faith, or to believe, they will. Don't believe me? See what Webster has to say.

It seems to me faith and hope go hand in hand. To have any kind of meaningful hope, you have to have some sort of faith to believe you will receive your desires. And at the same time, faith is useless if you have no hope. So it's my desire you have both hope and faith because they give life meaning and purpose. Or is it that our lives already abound with meaning and purpose that it's impossible to truly live without hope and faith? I'll let you decide. 

our shining light

Happy Birthday Eliana! 

I love you so much! I can't believe you are four today. I can clearly remember when you ever so gently entered this world, without so much as a cry. You simply opened those black glistening almond-shaped eyes and looked around. That was the first time I had seen a newborn babe be at such peace with her  surroundings. You showed me the amazing possibilities in childbirth and strengthened and empowered me as a mother. Your name Eliana, meaning God has answered, really sums it up for me. So many mothering questions, doubts and frustrations I encountered were resolved with you. And your nickname Elli, meaning shining light or most beautiful one, describes you perfectly. People are quick to comment on your beauty, and your joyous demeanor has captured our attention since you were a wee one.

 

Your humor often has us all rolling on the floor in laughter. Your silly faces, amusing dances, and witty sayings are what keep me light hearted. 

Just last week, when I referred to your new sister as Cosette, you looked at me, showed me that irresistible grin, and said, "You mean Claire?" because that's the name you want for her. And of course you can't pronounce your r's so it's even more darling. I laughed with you, and well, we know the rest of the story. Daddy's favorite Elli saying is when Asher startled you and you exlaimed, "Asher, you scared the crack (meaning crap) outta me!" Mommy has really got to stop using that word around you. The most hilarious moment I can remember though is when we were getting frustrated with you for not going to bed, and you pulled down your pants, bent over, and started talking with your bottom! Only you would do such a thing at barely three years of age, could get away with it , and look so cute while doing it. We all know that is not the last time you have made us laugh while in the nude.

 
We are also amused by your love for food. When something good is cooking, we now expect to hear you say, "What's that smell?" or "I smell something," or "I'm hung-wee." Just today, when you got your birthday money from great-grandpa, you said you wanted to buy a kolache (or a pu-lot-che according to you) with it. Then you lost your money at the store and you weren't concerned with the lost money but with the possibility of not getting your pulotche so you asked, "Mommy, can you just buy a pulotche with your one money?" Of course I bought you a kolache and some donut holes. And Daddy and I still can't figure out how you taught yourself to use his I-Pod Touch and managed to locate a Martha Stewart cooking broadcast. When you're nowhere to be found, we know we can find you nestled under our down comforter watching a cooking show.

Mostly though, who could resist a little beauty who is so easily pacified by hugs, cuddles, and rocks? Please, please, don't ever stop that. And don't ever stop being the Elli we all know and love. You are incomparable. You have shown Daddy and I more than we thought possible. You've helped us to trust our instincts and to follow our heart's desires, caused us the most fear and heartache when you had those inexplicable seizures at two, yet taught mommy more about prayer than I've ever learned in my entire life, and now you bring us pure joy and laughter and light --

 
and all of this you've managed to do in a matter of four years. We are so thankful for you. Happy Birthday Elli!! Now go sleep in your big girl bed with your sister like you promised.

katie

This past weekend I went to a memorial in honor of my friend Mike's mother, Katie, who passed away December 30th from Stage IV breast cancer. I didn't know her very well, I went to support Mike, but her memorial was an inspiration of what a wonderful woman she was and what I aspire to be.

Most memorable to me was a story Mike told about their lives in Indonesia. She would take her two boys to play soccer, and because not everyone was as wealthy as they were, most of the players were barefoot. Without hesitation, she and her boys would take off their shoes and play like everyone else. Afterward, she would go home, shower, get ready and be off to meet some important diplomat. Though she was surrounded by money and notable people, she wasn't influenced or changed by them. Status didn't impress her. Finding ways to serve others is how she spent her life. What happened in the field mattered more to her than what happened in the mansions. She served others in her personal life at church, at a local battered women's shelter, and as a mother to her two sons. She spent time with her sons every moment she could and every night she sang "You Can Close Your Eyes" by James Taylor to them before they went to bed. It's all the simple day to day stories Mike and others shared about her that revealed the beauty in her heart.

It seems so unfair such a beautiful woman had to die by such a viscious illness, but everyone seemed to point out she never considered it unfair or complained. She lived her life emulating the principles found in the Bible and in books she loved, such as The Red Sea Rules. The first principle of the book is to realize that God means for you to be where you are, and this is how she viewed her life with cancer. Even through her life with cancer, she continued to love and to serve others. During the time of her own chemotherapy treatments, she was faithful to take others to theirs. I really wish I had the opportunity to know such a selfless, compassionate person, but I am very fortunate to have known her eldest son for over ten years.

Mike and I met our senior year in high school. I honestly don't remember how we first met, likely in English class where we always got in trouble for talking, but our friendship has sustained over the years. Come to think of it, he's the only person I still talk to from high school. I dreaded that place because I always felt out of place and awkward in a town where I never seemed to fit. It's not quite the life of your dreams to feel that way at your high school when you are a teenager. I had a couple of close girl friends, but Mike was the first male friend with whom I actually had a strictly platonic relationship and with whom I never felt the need to be someone other than myself. He is down to earth, easy to talk to, and you'd never know he has a wealthy father, lived all over the world, and speaks four languages (except for when he teasingly spoke with his brother in English, German, Indonesian and Korean in front of me, and yes, all in the same conversation!). And I never felt shy around him. Being around him instantly brought me out of my shell because he's such a great conversationalist, and well, that's partly because he never stops talking!

Though I barely knew his mother, he easily built a relationship with mine. Each time he would call me, if I wasn't home, he'd speak with my mom for half an hour, and often times even if I were there, he'd still spend time talking with her. He wasn't the typical teenage boy, or at least the ones I knew, who wanted nothing to do with parents. And to this day, he asks about my mom regularly. It is apparent relationships with women are important to him. Whereas I am usually the person to try to sustain important relationships, he has often initiated locating me, calling me, and letting me in on his current life status. And I am certain he learned the value of relationships from the woman in his life who impacted him the most--his mother. 

I have her to thank for all I see and know in Mike. He is a wonderfully devoted single father who wants to be everything to his son his mom was to him. You can see it in the way he loves him, cares for him, guides him and protects him. And it shouldn't surprise you, he carries on the tradition of singing "You Can Close Your Eyes" every night to him. "Just one more time daddy, please!" begs his son. And it's an echo of what Mike used to say to his mother, "Just one more time mommy, please!" I can only guess she continues to fulfill the requests of those dear to her, and I can hear her singing it now.

In keeping with how she lived her life, Katie wanted nothing from others after her death. In lieu of flowers, she preferred donations be made to Susan G. Komen for the Cure -- Houston Affiliate. If you feel so inclined, you can donate in her honor or in honor of any other woman who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. According to the site,

Without a cure, 1 in 8 women in the U.S. will continue to be diagnosed with breast cancer. Without a cure, an estimated 5 million Americans will be diagnosed with breast cancer - and more than 1 million could die - over the next 25 years. Without a cure, an estimated 25 million women around the world will be diagnosed with breast cancer - and 10 million could die - over the next 25 years.

Thus, Susan G. Komen for the Cure exists to end breast cancer forever.

happy new year

It has been quite an eventful year for us, and I haven't had the opportunity to blog as much as I would like. However, that will change starting tonight. I love to write, and I miss writing. Whether I have one reader or hundreds matters little to me. (Actually, I would write if I didn't have any.) I am just grateful to be able to do what I love and inspire hope in others.

And it is my greatest desire that you leave 2009 with just that -- hope. It's been a rough year for many due to loss in one form or another. But with loss always comes gain, and I know we all have something to gain no matter how great the loss. Our world is filled with beauty and bounty, and there's no reason why we all shouldn't have some of it.

So as you enjoy the festivities of tonight, whether it be at home or at a night club, don't hesitate to open the eyes of your heart, to find the beauty that surrounds you, and to hold on to it tightly. Life is too precious and too short to let it pass you by. 

And may you gently leave behind your past in 2009 and joyfully welcome 2010.

Have a Spectacular New Year!

rest assured, beauty will come

Although things are still difficult for us, and we are busier than ever, I can honestly say I am very grateful for everything, yes, every little thing. God gives, and He takes away, and I don't understand why it all works the way it does sometimes, but I know beauty always comes from the ashes. Life altering lessons are learned, and good things come, good things indeed.

Although Shay lost his job, he is more content now than I have ever seen him. He is doing what he loves, and doors are opening enabling him to do more of what he loves. He is at a point where he is providing just as sufficiently as before, but he is home far more, and that's something he has always wanted. He's never wanted to be a workaholic, and though some mistake this for idleness, I am ever so thankful he has such a desire to work to provide but not to be bubbling over with riches, that he's not driven by money but by relationships, and that the relationships that matter the most to him are the ones right in front of him. It is these desires that have led him on a pursuit. He wasn't one of those men who had his career pegged when we got married, and though such a situation is not ideal for most people, it has worked for us. Yes, we have had our struggles, but we have learned so much together, and we have grown together, and every single bit of this journey has made us stronger and stronger as a couple. According to the statistics, such financial stress is supposed to bury a marriage, but it has only made us more alive. And it's exciting to see the man you love on a pursuit, to share in his disappointments and in his glories, to live life with him never being completely certain where it might lead you, yet trusting all along everything he does is for him, for you, and for those little people you made together.   

I needed this reminder to myself because this week has been especially hard for me. I've been overwhelmed with house hunting, with work, with the kids, with just thinking about everything we have to do, and to top it off, I'm never my best self when I'm pregnant. I'm more tired this time around, but it's almost impossible to sneak in a nap now, and lately I've just felt like I'm about to fall over the edge. But I've realized it's when I resist falling, when I try to hold myself up with all my might, that things are the most difficult and stressful. It's when I give up, give in, and just let myself fall and be vulnerable and crumbly and be the true mess that I am, that I find rest and peace and safety and comfort. It's when I lose it and cry and admit I'm not strong enough to handle everything that I begin to find I can handle more than I thought. There's something about the admission of weakness that makes us stronger. When we accept that we are not invincible and that we do need help, our arms are more open to receiving it from wherever it may come.

And believe me, it comes. I can't even count how many people, not just friends but acquaintances even, have been more than willing to step in and offer their help--some have donated moving boxes, others have helped lighten the load by caring for our kids, and still others have given us money. The outpouring of love amazes me. I have always doubted the goodness of people and assumed the worst of everyone, but the more I am receptive, the more I see hearts and arms open and ready and willing to share. And all of this I know comes straight from a single source, from a wonderful divine and ever so loving being who created us for relationships and love and community. And at the end of the day, it is these relationships and this love that gives me strength and keeps me going. 

celebrate the changing seasons

I never paid much attention to the seasonal changes until this year. This week we celebrated the Autumn Equinox. I've always enjoyed celebrating holidays, but I've never done much in regard to the seasons. I am reading this wonderful book, Celebrating the Great Mother: A Handbook of Earth Honoring Activities for Parents and Children. The authors come from a goddess-based Celtic tradition, but I love that you can come from any belief system (and do not even have to have children) and can still benefit from the rituals in this book. The rituals and activities encourage us to reconnect with our precious earth in a way I believe many religions have lost. In our pursuit of gods and goddesses, we have abandoned what has been given to us to sustain our lives.

I am excited to begin the reconnection process and to journey through it with my young family. This week we began by changing our nature table from summer to autumn. We removed the seashells and rocks and flowers and added leaves, acorns (not yet pictured because we just received them today), pine cones, and other items the kids thought represented autumn.

Don't ever think your children are too young to help out. Mine are five, three, and one, and the older two kept adding more and more items. I supplied a bird from the craft store, and they brought me items from outside to provide the foundation for a nest, then decided the bird needed to have babies for her nest, so they gathered three small eggs from their dollhouse and placed them there. They want the babies to hatch, so once we receive our beeswax modeling clay in the mail, we will be adding little homemade birdies. The options are limitless!

Next we decorated our low walls in the house with leaves, pumpkins, and other decor I purchased at the craft store last year (at 80% off I might add). At my husband Shay's suggestion, we also added a very heavy quilt we found at the Goodwill as our rug for the living room. You might notice it's the same quilt we used for our outdoor tea party.

At the book's recommendation, we started a door blessing, but it is a work in progress. This week we'll be adding dried apple rounds and Indian corn to complete it.

What's been most beneficial about our celebration this week is our reconnection with the outdoors. Since the Texas summer heat is barely bearable, it has been a sweet relief that for the past two weeks it has been overcast, windy, sometimes rainy, and even a bit chilly. We have been outdoors more now than ever.

Just this morning I pointed out the window to what I think are egrets in the field across the street from us. My son kept shouting, "beh! beh!" (translation "bird! bird!"), ran to the door, and off we went, barefoot, he in his diaper and tee, me in my shorts and tank, to chase the birds. We ran across the field for a few minutes, the girls following closely behind, until it was time for me to go to work. After dinner we continued, only this time chasing blackbirds in the rain, and instead of minutes, we were out there for hours.

Elli exclaimed, "Mommy, I want to stay outside forever!"

I replied, "Okay honey, that sounds like a great idea!"

She asked, "Can we just live out here?"

I said, "That sounds really nice, but we may get tired."

She responded, "Well, we can just sleep in the garage."

I chuckled, then told them all, "How about we set up our big tent in the backyard and sleep there?"

Cristiana excitedly chimed in, "Forever?!"

I said, "Well, how about we spend the night out there and come inside for breakfast in the morning."

They were all very excited and wanted to do it immediately, but I had to delay because it was almost dark, Shay was refereeing a game, and pitching a tent all by myself didn't sound too thrilling. But I must say, I love the connection children have with nature. They enjoy simple things like walking through fields, following birds, and making little discoveries, and yes, they even want to live out there forever.

I really think they are on to something, and we are often missing it. We get wrapped up in the daily grind and forget about the beauty around us. I once thought my suburban neighborhood didn't have much to offer in the way of beauty, but as I follow my children, I realize you can find beauty anywhere if your eyes are open to it. So please, do yourself a favor today and open those eyes.

let a child lead you

The other day, I followed my one year old son on a walk through the neighborhood. We walked in the middle of the road, and he stopped periodically to let me know he wanted me beside him, not behind him. We gathered countless rocks and shoved them in our pockets. We played in the mud. We chased birds and laughed when they quickly flew away. We waved at a helicopter. We gently touched ants and laughed at their giddy crawling practices. We walked in other people's driveways and marvelled at the tires on their cars. And the entire time, we didn't have a specific destination; we just delighted in the journey. When it was time to go home, my decision, not his of course, we traveled in the only way you can get a one year old home--he sat on my shoulders, and I ran as he chuckled with glee.

Children are amazing. They model a joyful life. They live in the moment. And they fully enjoy the presence of another. They are not thinking about what they did yesterday or what they will do tomorrow. They actively live in the present and delight in every minute of it. They are fascinated by the simplest details of the earth, and their wonder is absolutely contagious. When you choose to follow them, you can't help but forget about everything and live in their world. And it's at these times when you realize it's their world, not ours, that embraces reality and all that's beautiful.

"and a little child shall lead them..." Isaiah 11:6